J O U R N A L

July 14th, 2021

currently playing: so bad - nina hagen

hi! this is actually a follow-up to my july 1st entry. since that entry, i have kind of done some thinking and pretty much remembered that
there's this little thing called the "honeymoon phase". this is basically a time where you basically see everything through rose-tinted glasses and
everything is all lovey dovey. so, i've basically come to the realization that this phase is pretty much over.

making any type of romantic or suggestive gestures out of nowhere now feels kinda off and weird now. that spark and tension that was there is
nowhere near how it was months ago. i'm not thinking as many romantic thoughts as i used to. talk has pretty much become more casual and
more friend-like.

i know this is normal in these types of situations, but the thing is that when you're subjected to flirty & suggestive situations almost every day for
almost 2 years and you basically become a sexual outlet for someone (which 80-95% of the time, i enjoyed), your brain becomes rewired and
you pretty much accept it as the norm.

even though it started getting to a point where keeping this up was starting to stress me out and was kind glad when it calmed down, when these
comments and situations seemingly stop almost out of nowhere, it's hard to adjust to when it's pretty much what you expect at that point + you
start to question if they even still like you like that.

despite me saying all of this, i obviously still love this person and care about them a lot, now that the lovey dovey honeymoon phase of our lives
seem to be over, i can't help but take off the rose-tinted glasses and reflect on their flaws and past mess-ups that i was willing to look past previously
because i was so.....enamored and consumed by them, as well as having an idealized version of them in my head.

i personally feel that acknowledging and recognizing the flaws of someone you're close to can help understand them more, and maybe even
become even closer with them in the process if you're willing to do so. on that note, i'm actually somewhat ready to see what this new era of our
bond will be like, but at the same time, i'm a little bit nervous.


July 1st, 2021

currently playing: today - the smashing pumpkins

hello neocitizens! i have a question to ask: has there ever been a time in your life where you've been so enamored with
something, yet you feel as if this said thing wouldn't reciprocate the same feelings towards you if it could? if so, well i think
i'm in the same boat as you, as i feel i'm in that time of my life now.

there is something that i've been emotionally invested in for a while now, but i feel as if the thing i'm invested in is slowly fading
away from me. hell, i've even questioned my feelings for this thing occasionally, but eventually, those feelings blew over and i went back
to normal.

anyways, the reason i feel this thing is slowly fading away is because of the fact that there have been multiple times where when i needed and
wanted it, it wasn't available. things also feel as if they aren't anywhere near how they used to be when i first discovered this thing. sometimes,
it feels as if the only time this thing shows any type of interest in me is when it's for.....those type of needs if you catch my drift.

i try to keep my mind off of it, but there are times where all my mind is consumed of is this thing and the many questions and thoughts i have
about it. i sometimes feel as if i don't really know as much as the thing i'm passionate about as i thought i did.

my mind always goes to the worst in these situations, from this thing not wanting to be associated with me anymore or maybe even someone else is into
this thing and i'm not aware of it.

i really do want to talk about this thing, but i don't want to hurt the feelings of who's involved or make who's involved mad. i get scared when
i see anger in anything or anyone i'm close to, so i want to avoid that.

i know this entry is a more serious one, but i just wanted to vent since i feel that i can't really talk about this anywhere else. that's all i had to say,
so peace neocitizens and stay safe. love you all. <3


June 11th, 2021

currently playing: perfect day - kelis

hi my fellow neocitizens! i actually just wanted to come on here and say that i really appreciate you guys' kind messages
on my guestbook! even when i don't update for a while, i still come on here and check the guestbook. it makes me super happy that
people love my website, even over 2 years of this thing being up. i honestly didn't think that this thing would get any traction,
yet here i am! matter of fact, i would like to give a personal thank you to the people who have left kind messages on my guestbook as of
june 11th, 2021! special thanks to the following people:

yupthatsme, chel, jaup master, lou/gloomgirl, , eden, (dissolving) gal, alexa, cloudy, misery,
jennifer red (doesn't have a site), lindsey/lulu, sweethard666, max (doesn't have a site),
legallybrunette, daniel


June 7th, 2021

currently playing: what about your friends - tlc

hello neocitizens! can't believe it's been almost four months since i last updated. lol. time really does fly by fast.
anyways, i'm proud to say that i'm fully vaccinated! :-D downside is that the side effects have been really doing a number on me
for the past day or two, meaning that i'm not in the best mood right now, but i'm pushing through it.

anyways, i talked about this on my instagram already, but i feel so lame and boring. specifically when it comes to doing things like drinking
and getting myself out there and all that. i'm honestly so tired of hearing anything alcohol-related at the moment, because i swear, one day i might just snap
and get blackout drunk just so i can feel "cool" and "edgy". what kinda set me in motion to make this post was people that i know around my age that have done
"cool" things like drink and get drunk or go to parties or overall do things that cool teens are supposed to do, i guess. it just made me feel like this
lame loser kid who barely leaves their house and blames it on COVID (and social anxiety) now, is there a little bit of jealousy mixed in here when it comes to my
friends and mutuals doing this stuff? maybe, but i'm trying not so hard to be like that. it really does suck to see people around your age do all this stuff that you
percieve as cool, but you're just here pretty much doing virtually nothing with your life. this image is the most accurate description of my situation right now:


i really am trying to do more this summer though and get out more. i hope that will help me feel somewhat better about myself.
i don't know what else to say, so i'm gonna leave it here.
peace, neocitizens! love you guys and stay safe! <3


February 27th, 2021

currently playing: chelsea smile - bring me the horizon



the following entry deals with and mentions body image and ED, as well as my personal thoughts
& issues. if you do not wish to see this, i advise you to scroll past this entry or go back to the homepage.
for those who wish to proceed, viewer's discretion is adviced.

hello! this is going to be a more serious journal entry. i don't usually talk about personal stuff on here, but i want
to be as transparent as i can be. i also want this to be a safe place for my thoughts, since i don't really have any other place
to put them. lol. anyways, something that i've always struggled with is my body image and self-esteem. now, this is something
i've been improving on over the years, but it still affects me a little bit, especially since i've been bullied in the past. for context, i'm
5'7" (1.70 m for pretty much everyone outside of the US) and i'm not skinny, but i'm not plus size either. matter of fact, i'm the average
size for a woman here, which is around a size 14-16. so, basically, i'm a little bit on the curvier/fuller side. i've been told i look smaller than my actual size
(which is a backhanded compliment tbh and it messes with me). even though i'm average, i still feel like i'm too big or too small. it also
doesn't help when you're involved with the metalhead and goth subcultures, where the ideal image/beauty standard (at least for women)
is being pale and skinny, and i'm neither of those. on top of that, Y2K is also coming back, and the ideal body during that era was the whole
"heroin chic" thing, which 1) should've never been a thing in the first place and 2) cause celebs and average people to develop eating disorders
due to how harsh, sexist and all around horrible the media was back then.

despite this, i'm learning to love myself day by day, and i'm surrounding myself with people who like me for.....me and aren't trying to change me to fit
their personal standards and fantasies. if you're reading this and you have similar thoughts to me, please don't let what social media and other people say
about you get to you. if you're going to do something like lose weight or even gain weight and achieve a healthy mindset, make sure you're doing it for yourself
and not other people. i know this was kind of a heavy-handed subject and i may go in and reword or even delete some stuff, but i just wanted to get this out there.
peace, fellow neocitizens. i love you all! also, stay hydrated! :-) <3


February 17th, 2021

currently playing: no scrubs - tlc

hello, hello, hello! first things first, i would like to apologize for not updating the site in about 5 months. i honestly
have been kind of stuck when it comes to this site and i don't know what to put on here. i have been checking in on the
guestbook though and i would like to say thank you for all of the kind messages! :-) it really means a lot to me that people
still visit and like this website. now that that's out of the way, i hope all of you guys are doing well + happy (belated) valentine's
day! i hope you guys were able to spend the day with your partners or friends or anyone that you like pretty much! anyways, i don't
know the next time i'm gonna update this journal, but as i usually say, love you guys and peace out! oh yeah, stay safe as well! <3


July 11th, 2020

currently playing: again - alice in chains

hey guys! hope all of you are doing well! :-) decided to revamp the site and kind of give it a new look.
i love the old version, but it kind of got old to me. i also remembered to update this site (finally) and do something nice with it.
don't really have much to say other than that, hehe. peace my fellow neocitizens! love you guys as always. <3


May 27th, 2020

currently playing: liar - rollins band

the school year is pretty much done and i'm so happy! doing this online work and stuff kind of made it harder
for me to learn, if i'm being honest. i never thought i would say this, but i think i prefer actual school over online school.
living in this current pandemic has made normal things i do harder for me in general, but hey, i guess i just have to make the
best out of it. :-) as of late, i've been (finally) taking the time to brush up on my guitar skills and do other things since i have a bunch of
time to kill now. was able to learn some of 'one' by metallica so i'm satisfied with that. '...and justice for all' is a great album btw, despite
the lack of b a s s that drives me insane a little bit. lol. anyways, i'm gonna just head out now! peace neocitizies and remember to stay
safe! love you guys! <3


March 30th, 2020

currently playing: i'll cast a shadow - pantera


hey guys! just wanted to pop on here and say that i hope y'all are doing well in the wake of this pandemic.
make sure you guys are practacing social distancing and washing your hands for 20 seconds, as well as avoiding
touching you face. :-) also, PLEASE don't be a jerk and buy up all of the toilet paper and paper towels out of panic or for
some time of personal gain, as well as be hard-headed and still go out into large crowds. you could be putting others at risk because of
your stupidity. if anything, try to get water and non-perishable foods, first!!! i know this COVID-19 stuff has been
bashed into our brains for a few weeks now, but hey. just wanna spead the word! that's all i have to say for now, so as always, peace
neocitizens and stay safe! love you all! <3

(for more info, click here!!!)


January 1st, 2020

currently playing: bizarre love triangle - new order



HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!!!! i hope all of you guys are doing well! :-) one of
my goals is to be more active on here and actual get back to making things again. make sure
to stay positive this year and set goals that well benifit you in a positive way, even if some of
them may not work out. my goals are to simply just stay happy and have a healthy mindset! well,
that's pretty much all i have to say. skate fast and stay rad, fellow neocitizens! bye! <3


October 8th, 2019

currently playing: du riechst so gut - rammstein

JESUS EFFIN' CHRIST!!!!! it's been a month since i updated this site. i'm honestly
so sorry for neglecting this site, y'all. )-: this past month has been interesting!
in september, i went to my first concert ever! and it was a metal concert! and it was
FREAKING SLIPKNOT!!!! that made my whole 2019 guys, i'm gonna be honest with you. hearing
people chant "PEOPLE = SHIT!!" is the best thing ever. still thinking on what pages i should make
for this site, though. a bjork shrine? a mayhem shrine? idk. hope you guys have been doing alright, though!
can't think of anything else to say so, um, yeah. peace guys! see you when i see you and, as always, stay rad,
my neocitizen neighbors! <3


August 17th, 2019

currently playing: halcyon on and on - orbital

hi guys! little life update here. i survived my first week back to school! :-)
i thought it was gonna be miserable, but it actually wasn't that bad. i also don't really
stick out like a sore thumb too much, which is good. hopefully, this experience goes well and
i will find people who are like me! too anxious to even attempt to talk to anybody, right now,
though. lol. this is all i wanted to say. love you guys and stay cool, neocitizens! <3


July 22rd, 2019

currently playing: show me love (ya tvoya ne pervaya) by t.A.T.u

(putting both the russian and english version because i like both. lol.)

wassup, dudes! the new slipknot single came out and i can say that i like it! i like it more than 'unsainted',
but not as much as 'all out life'. watch me just listen to the old stuff, anyways. lmao. in other news, my birthday is
tomorrow! i'm kinda excited, but at the same time, it feels weird. idk why, but it just does. probably because time
flew by a lot. heh. part of me wants to rant about slipknot stuff, but i'm gonna hold it in because i know y'all don't
wanna see that mess. anyways, i'm out! peace, neocitizens! love you guys! <3

bonus songs: inteloper (demo) - slipknot | i sit on acid - lords of acid | ministry - filth pig



July 12th, 2019

currently playing: sweat of the bud by static-x

WHAT IS UP, NEOCITIZENS!!! i just ate some breakfast and i don't feel drained and zombie-like
like i usually do in the morning. lol. anyways, if you haven't read the CD/vinyl collection page,
i got a CD player!!! well, more of a radio that also plays CDs and cassette tapes. real happy about
that. :-) i have the radio on the local alt/rock station as i'm typing this out, matter of fact. some CDs
should be coming in, soon, so i'll add those to the page when they get here.
anyways, looking forward to watching more spongebob and doing other stuff, later. love you guys! peace! <3


June 30th, 2019

currently playing: pretty on the inside by hole

(i couldn't decide which one to put lol)

i'm honestly glad that i'm getting back into hole after not really listening to them since
2017. i used to listen to 'live through this' a lot. anyways, i've seen some (nu)metal bands that
are supposed to drop albums this year (slipknot, korn, dope, and static-x(?)) and i'm just sitting here
like, "damn 2019 really said nu-metal and mall goth rights, huh?". i really want there to be a mall goth
revival like they did with grunge. i've seen some signs of it, but idk if it's actually started. on another note,
pride is almost over. at least july is my birth month. anyways, that's all for now, neocitizens! peace! :-) <3

(edit: oMG I FORGOT TO MENTION i got some of my hair dyed red and i'm happy about that! ok, bye for now. lmao)


June 22nd, 2019

currently playing: t.r.i.c by otep

this is gonna be me going on a little tangent, but can we PLEASE bring back 00s bedrooms? it's as if over
the years, people have been going with a more minimalistic style with everything and sucking the fun, creativity
and originality out of things. i'd rather have a room covered in posters, a lava lamp, and an inflatable chair
than some little room with just fairy lights and succulents. in conclusion, minimalism kinda sucks and (teen) bedrooms
were awesome.


June 20th, 2019

currently playing: danger - keep away by slipknot

damn, i love this song and this album. anyways, i've been wondering if i should put update logs here. anyways,
my summer has been anti-climatic, so far. lol. just been inside, mostly. it kinda sucks, but at the same time, i'm
away from the hectic outside world. also, i hope you guys are doing well! self care is important! :-) <3
well, uh, here are some updates:
- made a last.fm account (@berryblisters)
- added my music collection on here
- added a "secret" page. (as of now, i have 2. both are music related. good luck findin' em!)
hope you guys liked that little entry/life update or whatever. bye, neocitizens! =>


June 4th, 2019

currently playing: rx queen - deftones

hello, neocitizens! i'm currently out of school right now, so that means more time to mess with this website!
yay!!!! :-) trying out something new since i figured out how to add youtube videos on to here. anytime i update, i'll
add a song that i'm probably in love with/obsessed with at the moment. anyways, really looking forward to getting out more
this summer! can't think of anything else to put here, so peace! <3


March 23rd, 2019

School's almost over for me and I'm so excited! I hope to do some cool stuff this summer. As I'm writing this entry,
I'm putting songs on my MP3 player. Have some Slipknot, Kittie, and Snake River Conspiracy on there. :-)
Most people at my school didn't know what it was when i showed them it. Lol. It's fun listening to stuff on a CD
player or MP3, in my opinion. Ok, let me put some more stuff on this little thing. Peace!


March 4th, 2019

I honestly had a very crappy week, but hey. At least working on this site and doing other things that I like will help! Anyways,
I'm SO glad to be starting up my little e-journal! Lol. I've been listening to this rock cover of "Milkshake" by Goodnight Nurse from sometime
in 2009 and it's not that bad, to be honest. It's like a guilty pleasure for me. I was also listening to some Type O Negative earlier.
it's super stormy outside, right now. It sucks, but at the same time, it's calming to me. Just rain and storms in general are calming to me when
I'm indoors. Outdoors is a different story.
Ok! Gonna sign off now. This might be a bit abrupt and sudden, but whatever! Peace!



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